I'm a Mess, but God is Good

April 20, 2015

Tonight, I sat down and read through a bunch of my old journals from my college years. I don't know if it was the sound of the steady rain beating on my windows or the Sleeping At Last songs playing, but I was feeling sentimental and nostalgic, and those journals called to me.

Seven full journals, hundreds and hundreds of pages later, and I realized two things. One: I am an emotional, wandering wreck of a believer. Two: God is endlessly gracious and faithful.

Seriously, all of those pages are full of prayers, quotes, verses and thoughts that essentially all say that I'm a big mess of a human. The same themes were woven throughout prayer after prayer over the years-- feeling lost, feeling stuck, loneliness, discouragement, worry, wanting to trust, surrendering control, community, discerning my callings and passions, and crying out for a Savior.

I've grown more in the past five years since I started college than I can really wrap my head around, but I'm still strikingly similar at the same time. My life looks drastically different, but my heart's still working through the same struggles. My location has changed a few times, and my soul still feels mostly restless and unsettled, like I won't ever really find my true home here on earth.

It seems almost cliche to call faith a journey because we say that so much, but isn't it still true?

Aren't we all wandering down a path that is usually foggy, mostly unknown, and littered with obstacles? Aren't we all restless and searching for the place we can call home? Aren't we all still wrestling with things that should have worn out their welcome long ago?

Bind my wandering heart to Thee, one of my favorite hymns says. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Those words were scribbled onto more than a few journal pages over the years-- they strike a chord in me.

My heart is prone to wandering. My heart is prone to chasing after things that seem perfect, seem worthy, seem shiny and bright and beautiful. My heart is prone to opening up too early, too easily, too completely. My heart is prone to feeling anxious, burdened, heavy.

On this journey of life and faith, I'm the one sprinting ahead triumphantly when the sun's out and the breezes are cool, and then collapsing in a fit of tears when my muscles start to ache, and then crawling along for a while before I can muster up the energy to get back on my feet and try the whole thing again. I'm the one whose walk looks a lot like fits and spurts and stumbles and falls. It all looks a lot like one step forward, two steps back, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am an emotional, wandering wreck of a believer.

I know that full well. I have the bruises on my knees to prove I've fallen time and time again. I have the journals and journals full of prayers to show I'll never have this whole thing figured out, but I'll spend my lifetime trying to work through it with my words.

God is endlessly gracious and faithful. 

I know that full well, too. I have the answered prayers and praises recorded to remind me. I have new mercies every morning when I never for a second deserved them. I have the promise of new life and eternity when all I've ever done should have warranted death and a final end. I have been forgiven and relentlessly pursued even when I turned away, pushed back, and fought hard.

'm clinging to what I know to be true, despite every changing emotion and season: I'm a mess but God is good. 

Saying that doesn't mean I think nothing of myself. Saying that means I think everything of God. Saying that means I embrace the reality of life as a Christian: I am not, but I know I AM. 

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God...Let Thy grace now, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.