on making mistakes and how to give myself grace.

I made a mistake.

It was a work task. There were a lot of details involved in it, and I had clear marching orders.

And, I messed up.

The details of the task aren’t the point. It’s my mistake, and how it made me feel, and what the response to it was, and what I did with all of it.

I’m sure you can imagine the sinking gut feeling of realizing you did something wrong. The instant racing of your heart, sweaty palms, sick to your stomach ache. It’s an awful feeling.

I picked up the phone with shaky hands to call my boss and explain what had happened and where I went wrong. I anticipated disappointment, frustration, even anger, and braced myself for some kind of scolding or punishment.

What I got?

“You’re forgiven.” and “Maybe God had bigger plans for this event than we did, and good things are going to come from this!” and “It’s okay, this isn’t a big deal, and there actually could be some real wins here.” I heard "Mistakes happen, take a deep breath, it’s going to be okay.” and “We are in this together.”

Grace, grace, grace.

The sinking feeling started to lighten. My heart rate calmed down. The intensity of the moment started to ease, and I started seeing a bigger picture emerge.

Yes, I messed up, and I had to own that. I had to apologize, and I have to work to make it right. But I also realized a deeper truth in all of it, and a beautiful lesson I’m grateful to learn (again). I realized as I received the kind responses of people who had every right to be upset or frustrated with me that I want to be the kind of person who responds like that, too. I want to be the kind of person who readily extends grace when others mess up, who quickly says “you’re forgiven” and “it’s okay, we’re in this together.” I want to offer kindness and compassion in place of shame or condemnation.

And as I realized I want to be that kind of person toward others, it hit me…

I want to be that kind of person toward myself, too.

I want to be the kind of person who readily extends grace to herself when she messes up.

I want to be the kind of person who forgives herself when she makes mistakes.

I want to be the kind of person who is kind to herself, and offers herself compassion in place of condemnation.

I don’t do that very well, I’ll admit. I’m much more likely to be kind to someone else than I am to be kind to myself. I’ll give grace to you but heap shame upon myself. I’ll tell you “it’s okay!” while telling myself “it’s never going to be okay again.” 

Oof.

I felt like these realizations were a mini (or maybe massive) therapy session with myself today. I think my counselor would be proud— he’s repeatedly encouraging me to consider how I’d treat a friend, and asking me to treat myself the same way. It’s not an easy lesson for me to learn. I seem to have two very different perspectives— the one I have toward myself, and the one I have toward everyone else.

One tends to be kind, empathetic, gracious, understanding, supportive, encouraging.

And the other? Harsh, critical, condemning, condescending, even cruel.

But what if I could start to shift my perspective toward myself? What if I started to see myself the way I see others— as beloved humans who are worthy of care and kindness and compassion, who sometimes make mistakes but are never themselves a mistake, who are never too far gone but always welcomed home with open arms? What if I gave myself the same grace I’m quick to give others? What if I treated myself like I treat my friends?

So, today, I want to say to myself:

It’s okay. You are forgiven. Mistakes happen, but you are not a mistake. You are deeply loved, that hasn’t changed. You are wanted and you are welcome here and you are a wonderful creation of a good and gracious God. Take a deep breath. And another. Breathe in the truth of your belovedness. Breathe out the lies that say you’re not good enough. It’s okay. You are forgiven. I love you. I am for you. We are in this together.

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